REVEALED: Northern Ireland's next crisis
Want to know how which manufactured outrage will be filling your airwaves this week?
Simply choose between the options below to create your own NI political log-jam!
Northern Ireland’s next crisis has been announced after a controversial [commemoration / speech / drunken tweet] was condemned by a [bored MLA / headline-hungry MP / press office looking for a sideshow].
The contentious [slur / gallery-playing rant / uninformed nonsense] has stalled talks being held in a five star hotel in [England / NI / anywhere with a Michelin Star chef] which were already on a knife-edge after participants were unable to agree who was at fault for the collapse of the previous [five star holiday / shouting match on The View / talks].
Although the main parties refused to take part in radio interviews, speaking instead through a column in their favourite soft-touch newspapers, six hours of Radio Ulster coverage revolved around wildly speculative and inflammatory interviews with [failed election candidates / gleeful cheque-collecting commentators / other journalists].
An insider close to the accusation, however, stated that their party would no longer tolerate the disrespect shown by the opposing party as it makes them look bad when they next see their [scary party base / foreign backers / property developer mates from church].
The insider will, though, be unavailable for comment next week when their own support’s [commemoration / speech / drunken tweet] is condemned, except to describe the response to that crisis as a ‘typical, stage-managed and laughably ironic attack’ on their community.
Amid a social media storm in [Lidl / the end carriage of the last Saturday train to Portrush / the knee-breakers] an interjection by [the Secretary of State / London journalist frantically searching Google / bemused TD] united all sides briefly when their resignation was demanded at once.
Letter-writers to Belfast newspapers, responding to the political fall-out, have insisted that [a muriel / typical behaviour by them’uns / some people on Twitter] confirms their belief that their ‘side’ is completely in the right in every possible way and always has been.
Online, a Belfast Live commenter - analysing the party strategies at 3am after a second bottle of tonic wine - said they “expect nothing better” and that it “was time to get them back out on the street who can sort this out”.
They added that [they get everything handed to them every time there are talks / don’t want to show one bit of respect / are typical of the bastards from that lot]. When it was suggested that they might want to send someone different to talks in future in that case, a second commenter was told to fuck off back to North Down.
**Going on holidays and missed the news? Simply cut out and keep this handy guide to reveal NI’s next crisis as many times as you like!**
In this edition: Ten pages of [columnists/ copy-paste MLA press releases/ vox pops with disinterested people out shopping] responding to the Stormont row.
News in brief: [Mental crisis in Northern Ireland/ waiting times red alert at hospitals/ heritage buildings mysteriously combust].